Anosognosic

I learned a new word this week: agnosognosic. Basically it means someone who doesn't know what he doesn't know. Initially this word was used to describe people who had lost an arm or a leg and didn't know it was gone or someone who was paralyzed but didn't know they were paralyzed. It is quite an interesting idea to think that we don't know what we don't know. The people with paralyzed or phantom limbs completely created their world to reflect what they knew, i.e. they had functioning limbs. If for example you put a pen next to someone's paralyzed arm and asked them to pick it up they would say that they didn't want to or didn't feel like it, some might even use the non-paralyzed limb to pick up the paralyzed limb picking up the pen. Do you follow? The conclusion was basically we create our own world and during my stay i have had many opportunities to witness this.

Last week i went to the Palais Tokoyo, contemporary art museum in the 8th arrondissement. I was with a friend and as i approached the ticket counter the woman asked me which tariff i would like to pay. Searching quickly, I ruled out senior, child, group. I replied the full tariff. She asked, "are you sure?" I looked puzzled and then she asked if i was an artist. My friend immediately responded "Yes, she is." She asked for proof but i had nothing except fingernails full of charcoal. I showed her my hands--not good enough--(not surprising). Finally she said, "I will give you the professor's discount and a ticket good for six months. I was way ecstatic. As we went to enter the museum my friend said to me, "Wow, she really gave you a hard time didn't she?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Here this French sales attendant just went out of her way to give me a discount after i had said i was happy to pay the full fare. My experience was that this French woman (notoriously known for coolness) was incredibly kind and generous to an obvious stranger. My heart was somersaulting thank yous. And yet my friend had a completely different experience, apparently one based on rudeness and meanness. Who was right? Who cares? Personally I like my experience better so I'm sticking to it.

So if we really are creating our world, that's really good news because it means that we are responsible. If something is happening that we don't like, we can change it (and by change "it" I mean what is in our control i.e. the "like" aspect not necessarily the "event" aspect.)

Calling Me To Wholeness

The finding, the following of the flow of Life has been a big theme for me on this journey in Paris. But what happens when the flow of Life spins, twists and throws you under water? I just found out. Before I wrote about taking the wrong train and getting locked out of my apartment and the ease of finding equanimity in those situations. Once again i found myself challenged. (Perhaps i did such a good job with those things that the gods decided I was ready for the next level. Ha!)

The details are not so important but suffice to say that "love interests" were not going the way my little mind thought they should. Letting go of the final vestiges of a relationship is much like that loose tooth that won't fall out. It is tender. Sometimes you stick it back in the socket and hope it stays there, other times it just dangles annoyingly. I stuck it back in the socket. It didn't fit. It just hurt more.

So here i was in pain. Where was the flow? What was i resisting? All of a sudden i could see my identification with the pain and not the flow. The flow was taking me under water and i was resisting, "No I'm not supposed to be here (i.e. I don't want to feel this). I want to be somewhere else (i.e. I want to feel something different)." Obviously i was losing the battle. Somehow through grace i was able to see that in this moment the flow was turbulent, under water and over rocks. Even though "i" didn't want this, it is what was present. Could i allow myself to be pulled under (ie feel the death, the rejection and whatever else my mind was naming)? Well it was obvious to me that i could continue resisting (it was so tempting) but that resistance only called up more pain. So deep inhalation, expand and surrender. Over and over i had to practice until I found the current or at least was out of the eddy.

I guess what i am trying to say is that the flow doesn't necessarily go smoothly all the time or maybe it does and I am still letting go of little bits of ego especially around those deeply held beliefs about love and what it looks like. Whatever this has been another opportunity to love myself even in the midst of falling into pain. And loving yourself no matter what seems to be the key. Pain really isn't so bad when you don't resist. It moves through the body pretty quickly. Even though i don't see where the flow is taking me (no invitations to exotic places so far) i know that even this is necessary, it is part of the plan calling me to wholeness.

Wined, Dined and Sunshined

I just returned from a marvelous weekend in Arcachon on the sea near Bordeaux. It was filled with good food, good conversation, good wine (bien sur) swims in the sea, picnics at sunset, a climb to the top of the largest dune in France, apertifs on a boat in the middle of the bay, promenades along the beach and through the ville, a short trip to the market y viola 48 hours away from Paris.

I was incredibly cared for by near strangers-patience with my budding french, interest in my opinions, delight in my delight. I felt like a precious flower that was delicately wined, dined and sunshined. When i returned to Paris i was totally high but what really had my juices flowing was how this weekend came about.

Last weekend i locked myself out of my apartment and as my landlord called it a "misadventure" ensued. (See the previous blog for details.) I called my landlord for a key but she was unable to help as she was in Arcachon 700 kilometers away. A few days later she invited me to their home by the sea (because of guilt, feeling sorry for me, who knows?) And i accepted.

As i reflect back on the lockout weekend and the pleasure-in weekend what i notice (again) is that the little mind has absolutely no idea of where Life is flowing. It desperately tries to control the moment by tantalizing us with stories of the past or the future, but truly it is paddling aimlessly while Life whisks us downstream. How many times has something "bad" turned into something great? Or something "good" turned into something okay or worse? The good/bad of the mind is completely irrelevant to Life. By notching up our attention to what Life is providing not the judgment of what is has or has not provided, untold adventures and riches are being offered to us in every moment. This is the only way i can explain the beauty of my life.

There is a magical rhythm of Life gently calling to each of us. While we are free to ignore that rhythm and put our attention all that we don't have (money, friends, family, hot croissants) and diet on the emotions of scarcity, lack, not deserving, anger, Life is ALWAYS offering us another choice. No matter what is happening on the outside world there is an unlimited inner world waiting for our exploration. And in a mixed up sort of way the inner world manifests the outer world. I sit in my French class and listen to my fellow students and sometimes think there must be two different Paris' out there. I am not sure how else to explain the joys and wonders i experience verses the dire experiences of others. (This is no to say that all is happy or beautiful all the time only that i realize the outside circumstances have very little to do with my inside sunshine.)

So I am grateful to have yet another experience not judging Life and trusting it to deliver the adventure of a lifetime called Kelsey.