tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72897035146174054752024-03-13T09:21:15.078-07:00Tour Guide for GodTravelogue/monologue about the inside/outside journey of traveling abroad, specifically Paris 2010.kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-46443945816605053192013-04-12T03:43:00.000-07:002013-04-12T03:43:25.542-07:00What is Awake?Awake. Enlightened. Aware. These terms are casually thrown around in the spiritual and not so spiritual worlds. I have struggled to understand what others mean when they use these words and more importantly what do I mean when I use those words. Right now the only word that seems important is Awake. Enlightenment seems like a word that the ego needs. Awareness seems somewhat self-evident. But what is awake? After long periods of thinking and not thinking about the meaning of awake it suddenly became clear. <br />
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Being awake is simply understanding that there is absolutely no point in going against yourself and I mean absolutely no point. Period. Exclamation mark! Finito!<br />
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It took a long time to come to understand this concept and a longer time to allow it to consume me. So let's break this down a bit.<br />
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First of all how do you know that you are going against yourself? Initially you may have to look at exterior clues. When you are feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, not in your skin, maybe even angry or depressed or when you just know somethings not quite right, there is probably a little voice in your head that is telling you that somehow you are doing "it" wrong, or that you deserve to feel badly, that you aren't lovable or maybe you just don't belong (to where or to whom is a whole other blog.)<br />
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Secondly when you start feeling badly or just not happy, this is the perfect time to delve into your mind and figure out what is being said. Clap your hands, sing hallelujah, you just received your first clue to waking up. Most people don't think of bad feelings as good thing but they are the red flags that tells you where to dig for your treasure. However taking the next step requires the stealth of a Watergate journalist and the patience of Job. At first I couldn't hear the voices, I spent so much of my time denying that they were there and trying to silence them that I in fact could not hear them. But slowly, slowly they began to reveal themselves sometimes forthrightly othertimes they had to be tricked. Unfortunately there is no 1-2-3 step process to learn what is really being said in your head. You will have to figure out that on your own. (Hint: Trial and error is of great help.)<br />
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Thirdly once you understand what your mind is saying to you, you begin the process of unlistening to the voice. And listening to that voice is a habit more addictive than heroin. Unlistening takes as much training as becoming a gold medal Olympian. You will set your intent to unlisten, you will fail and then succeed, then fail again. This process can continue for a long time.<br />
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And while you are teaching yourself to unlisten, simultaneously you begin to listen to the voice of Truth or Life. I'm not sure exactly what to call it, but it is a voice that just is. It is the voice that resonates in your bones. There is no discord. You can feel the rightness of that voice.<br />
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Fourthly, if you're lucky you make the transition to being in complete harmony with that voice. It never leads you astray. It is the voice, the energy that creates Life. How could it be wrong? Please don't allow your ego-mind to distort this. It doesn't mean that you won't ever be upset, that you won't fail, that you will always be in control. It simply means that you when you are in complete harmony with that voice you understand the absurdity of ever doubting it, of ever doubting yourself, of ever going against yourself. This is not something that can be willed or practised. Almost getting it or getting most of the time is NOT the same thing. It is absolute.<br />
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And with that you are DONE. You are awake.<br />
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Life becomes an adventure that can be fully enjoyed in all of its variations. There is no holding back because there is no fear of not doing it right. There is nothing telling your life should be something else. <br />
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You understand that you are.<br />
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<br />kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-40863053823758942502013-04-12T02:03:00.000-07:002013-04-12T02:03:00.108-07:00Being the Best Human Being I Can Be<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I ran into a friend of mine who had run for a political office but was not elected. She had spent a hard year campaigning, a schedule so demanding that nearly every waking hour was scheduled. But suddenly she didn't have a job, she didn't have a schedule and in its place was a big "what's next?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To her credit she hasn't rushed in to fill the void but now a few months later, she is looking to capitalize on her efforts and her contacts. As we were speaking she kept asking herself how she could make the biggest impact. And this made me think, how does one be the best human being?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is being the best human a result of our effect on the outside world? And if so who is doing the measuring? For those of you who regularly read my irregular blog, you may well guess that my answer is emphatically NO. Being the best human you can be has nothing to do with external results but has everything to do with waking up. Maybe you ask what about Martin Luther King, Jr or Mother Theresa or Joan of Arc? While all incredible people, I have no idea as to what their internal state was and that is my sole measure being the best human you can be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So how do you get to be the best human you can be? A good question when there are no external parameters for measurement. Let's take my friend above. As the conversation continued, she asked me if I wanted to have an impact on our community. Basically the answer is no. She asked didn't I see injustices that needed to be righted. Again the answer is no. But what about the lack of gun control, rights to abortion, election gerrymandering? Surely there must be something that I saw as wrong and in need of a fix. Again the answer is no.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In general I see things from two different perspectives at a time. On the one hand there is the human me who has passions, opinions and desires. On the other hand there is thing I call LIFE that created what I know of as the world, universe, me. The world is so complicated and extraordinary that I can't help but subordinate myself to this great intelligence. Anything that it created must be okay and it doesn't need my puny little input to right a preceived wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's not to say that I don't feel compelled to act or create, but the source of the action doesn't come from a desire to right some perceived wrong but rather to be the best human I can be.</span><br />
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kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-56727236557895877002012-12-31T14:37:00.000-08:002012-12-31T14:37:43.483-08:00Become Your Best Friend<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just finished a rare perusal of Facebook. On the eve of the next year, it is full of postings expressing gratitude to family and friends, extolling the virtues of being kind, witnessing the miracles in our lives. Nice, right? Well, let's take a look.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From what I can tell, most people want peace and happiness and they are very busy trying to get to the land of PaH. There are countless books, paths, religions, mantras promising PaH to the gullible acolyte. And without going into detail about the scams, shams and spams, let's just cut to the chase and tell the truth...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ain't nobody but you gonna get you there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This isn't such bad news. It's not that hard and it's not complicated. Become your best friend. You are so busy looking outside ourselves, impressing others with your gratitude, seeking the approval of those same others, doing it the way someone else told you that you completely overlook the answer right in front of your nose. Become your own best friend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now lest you think you automatically know what a best friend is, it is important to understand that your own best friend is not anything like a physical best friend. There are no conditions, no underlying jealousies, no tit-for-tat. Nothing except 100% support. This doesn't mean that your best friend (you) can't think critically about a subject. It just means that your best friend NEVER puts you down. No exceptions. Oh did I mention your BF NEVER puts you down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can already hear the "yeah-buts". There is a big difference between, thinking that you could do something better and thinking that you are a bad person. And if you are unhappy, feel like something is not quite right, uneasy or you're just plain pissed at life. ie not at peace, I can gaurantee you those nasty voices are going on in your head even if you don't hear them. They are telling you that somehow you didn't do it right, that you are wrong, that you are not worthy, blah, blah, blah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When that voice transforms into your best friend, you will have arrived in the land of PaH. Unfortunately only you can change the switch despite all of the promises outside yourself. In fact and this is the main message of this missive, </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DON'T BE DISTRACTED.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't be distracted by other people, don't be hooked by the notion that someone else can do it for you or that you just have to find the right teacher, technique, method,etc. Most of the these people haven't landed in PaH and so they distract themselves by gathering other distractees. And most of all, don't be distracted by the notion that you or your life is supposed to look a certain way. Life is a mindfield of distractions and you can spend your life defusing all the bombs you find, but then you never end up in the land of PaH. It takes massive courage to understand that </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">in fact </span>you don't even have to go through the mindfield you call Life. There is another path. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Stop hurting yourself. Look at yourself honestly. (There is nothing inherently wrong with being a liar, a bitch, a sneak, a weakling, a bossy cow, whatever you may have labeled "bad".) </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Accept yourself. </span>Be the best whatever you are and suddenly without even trying you will find yourself exactly where you wanted to be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It really is that easy.</span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-50604494873471481152011-07-05T16:36:00.001-07:002011-07-05T17:15:33.149-07:00Life is so complicated--NOT<span style="font-family: arial;">"Life is so complicated." "It is so hard to make the right decision." "It is all so confusing." How many times have you heard those phrases? Actually how many times have you used those phrases? Why is that life seems so complicated, confusing and difficult?<br /><br />Life becomes complicated when we aren't present. We are thinking about the possible effects of our decisions on the people immediately effected by the decision, possibly how the people next to the people immediately effected and if we want, we can ripple out this process as far as needed to become paralyzed in making a decision and arrive at complicated. At a summer picnic a young mother was recounting to me how difficult life was with two small children (ages 6 and 9). She was trying to decide about summer camps for her children. There were the intellectual camps that would help put her children ahead, the sport camps that would increase their physical prowess, the art camps that would develop their creativity and finally the camps they wanted to go to. She was terrified that if she didn't choose the right camps she would be causing some sort of irreparable harm to her children. Apparently she sweated over these decisions for months and finally decided to enroll them in everything even though they didn't have the money for the camps. And even though the decision had been made she was now trying to decide which camps to cancel because her husband had acted "so unsupportive" when he found out the costs of the camps and told her to cancel them.<br /><br />I certainly agree that life can be complicated when we try to figure out the possible effects of our decisions, but what is really happening when one tries to figure out the outcomes? In reality the need to know the answer, the need to figure out what is best, is the need to protect ourselves from that inner voice that tells us that somehow we did it wrong or bad. There is another voice, another intelligence if you will that operates within each of us. It is the voice of Life that guides, prompts or points the way for all actions. In my experience this voice is very quiet and not demanding and it takes practice to become accustom to hearing it much less following its guidance. Listening to this voice, what is feels right in this moment is the best way to keep life simple. Desire, action, pause, experience the reaction. Reset. Desire, action pause, reaction.<br /><br />If this young mother followed this process it would have gone something like this. She had a desire to enroll her children in camp. She would have researched some camps, perhaps consulted the children as to the best camps for them (and maybe her husband regarding the finances) and made a decision. She needn't have worried about whether she was hurting their chances for a sports scholarship or entry into a prestigious college. She simply would have made the decision without undue hand-wringing.<br /><br />I know I make it sound simple but even the most complicated situations boil down to what is right in this moment. Focusing on the next step and not the end of the journey simplifies everything. The most complicated processes can be broken down into a series of small doable steps. And trusting that inner Intelligence makes it all the easier.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-23965134793721624732011-03-03T18:33:00.000-08:002011-03-03T18:59:05.755-08:00Want What Is<span style="font-family: arial;">Lately i've been on a rant about the collective ego. In all my years of awareness it suddenly became extremely obvious to me how the collective egos ban together to keep humankind asleep. We've all heard the terms "social consciousness" or "collective awareness" or the like. And while i thought i knew what these terms meant i should have known that any "thinking" about a concept regarding collective egos is like asking the fox to guard the chicken coop. Not really reliable. The problem has been that i never critically examined these concepts. I inputted the data into the mind and waited to see what it spit out and never questioned the output. I now see that i made lots of assumptions and all these assumptions are what allows the ego mind to play the equivalent of hide the pebble (reality) under the shell.<br /><br />Below is a benign article that i found purporting to give us 12 steps/actions to take to make us happy. Sounds innocent enough, yes? But no. If you take a look at the article and really examine it you can see that it is a wild piece of propaganda designed to keep us looking outward so that we never discover the false existence of the ego mind. Take a look, notice what the collective egos minds want us to assume and see if you agree.<br /><br /></span><br />What Makes Us Happy (reprinted without permission from Prevention magazine)<br /><br />1. Know What To Want<br /><br />Most of us can't predict what will make us happy in the future and that inability often leads us down the wrong path. <span style="color:#cc0000;">(First assumption there is a "right" path.)</span><br /><br />The average American moves more than 11 times, changes jobs more than 10 times and marries more than once suggesting that most of us are making more than a few poor choices (<span style="color:#cc0000;">Notice the second assumption. Change is bad. If you don't do it right the first time obviously you have made a bad choice), <span style="color:#000000;">notes Harvard University psychologist Daniel Gilbert, PhD, author of Stumbling on Happiness. <span style="color:#cc0000;">(here authority is cited not once--Harvard U., not twice--PhD, but three times--</span></span>author. I.e. don't question authority). <span style="color:#000000;">One reason we so often guess wrong, he argues is that we often imagine the future incorrectly.</span> (There is a "correct" way to imagine the future--hint duality is always a sign that ego is present.) </span> We forget how easily we adapt, even to painful circumstances. So when we picture what it would be like to be single again or to live in Seattle or to leave one job for another, we don't factor in everything else---the new friends, the newly discovered interest in Cascade Mountains wildflowers--that might also effect our emotional well-being. <span style="color:#cc0000;">(Wait is he advocating change after talking about how changes are evidence of our "poor" choices?---another sign of ego--doublespeak.) <span style="color:#000000;">Unfortunately, Gilbert says, we can't simply train ourselves to peer into the future with greater clarity. <span style="color:#cc0000;">(Knowing what to expect is "good." Ego=Unsupported suppositions.) <span style="color:#000000;">Start with the assumptions that your reactions are a lot like other people's, Gilbert says. If you want to know whether to take a job at a new company, pay attention to the people around you when you are there for an interview <span style="color:#cc0000;">(look outside yourself for answers--aha, the real message.) <span style="color:#000000;">Do they seem engaged an interested? That should count for a lot.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span> </span><br />In one paragraph so many distractions, so many messages to look outward. Who woulda thought? And at the end of it all, if the editors really wanted to send a message about happiness the article could have been retitled "Want What Is" instead of "Know What to Want" and then the rest of the nonsense wouldn't have needed to be written.<br /><span style="color: black;"><div dir="ltr"><div><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style=""><strong><br /></strong></span></span></p></div></div></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-22514791633681975262011-03-02T12:47:00.000-08:002011-03-02T13:08:30.851-08:00I AM--the movie, not the truth<span style="font-family: arial;">Last night i saw the film, "I AM," another in a recent spate of movies claiming a spiritual message. The movie starts out by asking two questions, "What is wrong with our world?" and "What can we do about it?" Right off the bat this movie has committed two grave errors. The first presumption is that there is indeed something wrong with our world. This is based on the idea that humans are somehow in charge and that we are doing something wrong. I don't deny that not providing health care, food or shelter for the needy in our communities certainly seems twisted in light of multimillion dollar bonuses for CEOs of banks, car companies, insurance companies and the like, but far to often something that seemed "wrong" or "bad" to my little ego mind turned out to be the catalyst for the next step. Observe how the years of oppression in the Middle East have coalesced into sweeping changes for countries like Egypt, Tunisia, potentially Libya and Bahrain.<br /><br />The second mistake is again assuming that the answer is outside ourselves. "If you want to change the world, change yourself." J. Krishnamurti. It is easy to get distracted by the needs of others and the sense of "doing good." In fact the rest of the movie was dedicated to the two-fold message: we are all connected (yeah, duh, bravo) and doing something for others is good, it is what we are made to do ((insert several authorities and scientific experiments that "prove" this hypothesis) boo, hiss, ego.)<br /><br />This is not to assert that helping others is bad. It is simply to say that until your own house is cleaned up you probably will just make a mess if you try to clean up someone else's. Once you have cleaned up your house, actions that are kind, considerate and respectful become normal. Hateful, intolerant, exclusive actions don't feel good to someone who is awake. The vibrations are just distasteful. As my teacher once said, "Why would i eat poo, when i can eat honey?"<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-8186128595752620322011-02-07T07:55:00.000-08:002011-03-02T20:46:14.653-08:00PVM-Part 2<span style="font-family:arial;">A few things went unsaid in the last blog regarding purpose, value and meaning. The ego needs us to believe in these concepts to justify it's existence. Let's look at the concept of purpose. We might start out with the belief that "we all need a purpose," but again if you look carefully, what is need and are you sure you would die or at least be miserable without it? Where does purpose come from and who decides what is your purpose? Purpose actually gives you a great excuse not to look inward, not to examine the veracity of your thoughts. Purpose is outside yourself.<br /><br />Another belief--Work or for that matter family, friends or lovers provide value to our lives. Again what does that mean? What is value? And what happens if you don't have it? I can assure you that ego tells you that you will have a miserable existence or you might even die without value as validated by these outside sources. (But then again how times are you miserable with a job, family or friends?)<br /><br />I propose these questions because the only way i know to destroy the ego is through asking questions. The answers are not as important as simply asking questions. Asking questions creates a space where doubt can creep in--just maybe this thought isn't true, just maybe. What happens when you allow yourself the possibility that a thought, that the virtual reality might not be the reality? On the one hand there is nothing to do, but on the other hand, intent, desire or even an honest question can allow for the insertion of a virus that destroys the mental program. If you are happy enough, content enough or satisfied enough DON'T START MESSING WITH THE PROGRAM. Don't ask questions, instead keep looking outside for answers. This is will allow you to stay neatly within the program, neatly within your comfort zone.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-69935289101889577282011-02-07T07:15:00.000-08:002011-02-07T07:55:25.110-08:00Purpose, Value and Meaning<span style="font-family: arial;">I recently heard these words as "good" reasons to keep working although retirement age had come and gone. Purpose, value and meaning. These words were pronounced with such solemnity that i knew they were my friend's heart mantra. She probably repeated them to herself several times a day and certainly whenever the voice arose that said after 75 years you can relax. No way.<br /><br />Actually that was not the first time i have heard those words. It seems like they are often quoted in studies that show working is good for you, in newspaper or magazine articles about aging and even as a rah, rah to youngsters encouraging them to "get on track." Does anybody see how terrifying this brainwashing is? The point is not to say that working is bad and everyone should just quit. It is a little more subtle than that. It is seeing once again how collective egos conspire together to get you to look outward for satisfaction, happiness and love or rather purpose, meaning and value. If you look to your job for validation, do you see you are trapped right out of the gate? If anything goes wrong with your job, whammo there goes your value. If you quit your job or are fired, whammo there goes your purpose and if you aren't working well obvy, there is no meaning. And now we start to get to the heart of things--no purpose, value or meaning.<br /><br />If you begin to look at your ego, really look at it you won't find it anywhere. Why? Because in reality it doesn't exist. Let's back up and give a very broad definition of ego--basically that repository of everything you think, in particular anything involving duality, right/wrong, good/bad, worthwhile/worthless etc. Another way of saying that is anything that you believe is true or false or anything you think you "should or shouldn't do" or "should or shouldn't be." Now have you found any physical evidence of your ego? Of course the great manifestors that we are, we literally make something out of nothing. We can take a thought and y viola create physical proof of its' existence. Eg. The thought--I can't do math. You take a math test. You fail. You look at the big fat F in red at the top of your test--proof. But this is the effect of the ego not the actual ego. Keep looking for its lair. You won't find it because ego doesn't exist.<br /><br />Ego's biggest fear is that you will discover that it doesn't exist in reality. It exists solely in the virtual reality of the mind. The only way it keeps the human enslaved is by convincing the human that it must continue to look outward for answers to whatever nagging questions or thoughts arise regarding the futility of the virtual life. If, or hopefully when, you stop, sit down and look inside really look inside. Look in every nook and cranny, every dark, dusty corner you will realize that ego does not exist and you will find your freedom. In the meantime without throwing a mental nuclear bomb into your life you can become aware of how many times the collective egos rally together to keep the humans looking outside themselves for purpose, value and meaning.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-19841048095741484882011-01-13T07:40:00.000-08:002011-01-13T08:47:41.098-08:00Being Kind---NOT<span style="font-family: arial;">Okay this concept of being kind has come up in a few conversations of late and it has gotten under my skin enough that it is time to write about it. A friend asked " Doesn't being spiritual mean being kind and compassionate to others?" This was a double whammy question first for assuming that "being spiritual" somehow means different or separate from others as though there are spiritual beings and non-spiritual beings. That is like saying there are people who breathe and people who don't. Sorry. Not. If you aren't breathing you are either dead or not a human. If you are alive you are spiritual. Period.<br /><br />The second offense is this idea of being kind or compassionate to others. (Another friend embellished on this concept by throwing in the modification of being of "service" to others.) Blckk, yukk, choke. The sticking point here is the "others" aspect. Being kind and compassionate to yourself gets two thumbs ups. Go for it. Do it everyday, every moment. Doing something for others implies a self-importance of enormous proportions. The very idea that you know what is "best," "kind" or "compassionate" for someone else implies that you don't respect how he is living his life and somehow this person needs your assistance to "be better" which basically means living his life according to your beliefs and definitions.<br /><br />A very smart friend said "i like doing what's best for you." thinking she got around this particular offense. Unfortunately she didn't. How can she possibly know what's best for me? Did she really like doing what's best for me or did she like doing what's best for her disguised as doing something for others? And if so doesn't that complicate life? In this particular incident i didn't respond and she began outlining all of the possibilities to solve a delivery dilemma, times, dates, locations. In the space of a minute or two there was a plethora of possibilities and frankly i had no preferences. The monologue continued another four or five minutes weighing the pluses and minuses of each option and finally she realized what was best for her, y viola, a decision was made. Done. How much easier it would have been for her to say what was best for her, which would have allowed me to say what was best for me and then we could have seen if they overlapped and if not how to get it done. Life becomes very complicated when you aren't honest with yourself. The clearer you are with yourself the easier life is. A complicated life or situation is a good indication that you are asleep.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Being compassionate or kind to others is a good excuse not to be true to ourselves. We look to the needs of others instead of looking at our own needs. We focus our energy on figuring out someone else instead of ourselves. It is this distraction of looking elsewhere, instead of inside that keeps you asleep...that is if you want to wake up. If not be kind to others, look for your soul mate, make other people happy.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-17598214740756479322010-12-27T20:47:00.000-08:002010-12-27T21:28:17.544-08:00It's Worst Than I Thought<span style="font-family: arial;">It's worse than i thought. Beware. It's everywhere. This morning on my way to work i was innocently listening to an alternative rock radio station when another bomb went off. Every pop love song is another ego-based trick calling you to look away. Every "she left me," "I'll find another," "I'll get her back when I change" is just another cheap trick to keep you looking outside yourself for "The Answer." Every message outside yourself that says you need to be something different, you need to change, you'll be happy when ....(fill in the blank "your way") is a lie, a scam, a device designed to keep the ego alive. Don't believe those voices, don't believe your own thoughts. Be skeptical. Examine every idea, every belief.<br /><br /> A few nights ago during this holiday season i saw the last twenty minutes of a Hallmark special. The fallen-but-about-to-be-redeemed heroine is at the airport, pleading with the gate agent, "Please you must let me through. Finding him may be my only chance at happiness." (Him being the obvious soul mate though the She didn't realize it until it was almost too late..duh...pause for dramatic effect.) Gate agent pages said soul mate who bursts through the gate when he "feels" his soul mate searching for him. You guessed it. Happily ever after. Puke. Vomit. Throw up now. Don't believe the message that your soul mate is outside of you. This is the trick of the ego to get you to continue looking outside yourself. You will NEVER find him/her because he/she doesn't exist. And this is not necessarily bad news. Be patient.<br /><br />What is a poor human to do? Question. Question everything. The answers are not that important. The questions are crucial. The ego hates questions. Questions turn the spot light inward. Don't take for granted a single thought you have. Question the meaning of every word. In the above example of our heroine, what does "finding" mean? Who is "him"? What is "only," "chance," and especially "happiness." And if you accidentally come up with an answer, question each word in the answer. Don't just assume you know what you mean. The ego is counting on these assumptions. Where is the falseness in your reasoning? It is there. Search for it.<br /><br />What you know as reality is actually a giant distraction created by collective egos to ensure their survival. If you look carefully, you will see the subtle (and some not so subtle) messages that there is something wrong with you, that something needs to be fixed, that you will be happy when something outside you falls into place. Every one of these messages are designed to distract you from looking at the true source of dissatisfaction, dis-ease, unhappiness...the mind. The bad news is that you create your dissatisfaction, dis-ease, unhappiness...major bummer. Good news this same you has the power to create whatever you want and i'm not talking about fame, riches, size zero bodies for the females and 10 inch lingams for the males and all the things that pseudo-spiritual, new-age proselytizers promise. I'm talking about a harmony and deep satisfaction with the perfection of Life as it is. It is there. I promise. <br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-73074608636538827632010-12-17T09:10:00.000-08:002010-12-18T15:59:40.138-08:00Warning Romantic Love Is A Scam<span style="font-family:arial;">Warning. This is heretical. If you believe in romantic love, or want to believe in romantic love or hope romantic love exists, stop. Do not read further. Protect your false beliefs.<br /><br />Guess what? Romantic love does not exist. Not in Reality. I'm not talking about what you may think is reality. I'm talking about Reality. Not the place that seems real, just like a dream seems real while you are dreaming, and all of the supporting information in that dream state that says romantic love exists, novels, love stories, ads with happy couples, self help books to find the perfect soul mate, Valentine's day. Oh my god, it is a HUGE scam. It is the ego's greatest invention to distract you from waking up, from seeing what is real. "Look for this" the ego says thereby misdirecting your attention. And how many follow this misdirection, millions, probably billions of humanoids. And for how long? Think about it your own life and be kind to yourself, round down.<br /><br />As a collective society how much time do we put into attracting the right mate, holding on to the right mate, fixing ourselves so that right mate stays and in the end being duly disappointed even if there is a 50 year relationship? We never quite get from our perfect mate (if we are lucky enough to find him or her) exactly what we need. This is the scam. No matter how "right" you do it it will never be enough because it doesn't exist. You will never get from someone else what you need because there is no someone else, there is only you.<br /><br />But before you hightail it to the nearest cliff (in case you read this despite the warnings) there is a good piece of news. Love does exist. It is possible to have deep meaningful relationships with others. In fact when the illusion of romantic love is busted for the scam that it is something quite beautiful and profound takes its place. It is the difference between nausea inducing romantic love and awe inspiring agape love. And yes, sex still exists.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-65971693659663501702010-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:002010-12-15T11:15:57.098-08:00Laughing at mistakes<span style="font-family: arial;">In great poetic detail, I explained my experience running in Forest Park to my french friend. He wrote back that he has glad that i had such an inspiring run but perhaps i enjoyed the "odeurs" (smells) of the forest instead of the "ordures" (garbage) of the forest. He laughed on one end and i have been laughing for two days about my "mistake" and that has made me think of the joy of making mistakes. <br /><br />What a comedy of errors occurs when we make a genuine mistake and how much fun it is to laugh at the miscommunication. Communication with others via the word, even under the most ideal circumstances, is an imperfect art. And to take that further and realize the communication within ourselves is also never accurate. Words are place holders. They define the edges. They make the boxes. How can you not laugh when the mind says that something is wrong, or that you need to be fixed or one of my personal favorites, that life should somehow be different than it is.<br /><br />Words at best are a means to love and at worst a means to cast black magic on ourselves or others. Be wary of words. Know that you are something beyond words. Words allow us to watch ourselves on the stage of our little human life. And one of the best ways to disable the power of words is to laugh because it is only the seriousness, the believing that they are true that makes words rule.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-78800897651125653042010-12-05T12:03:00.000-08:002010-12-05T12:52:47.144-08:00No Shortage of Opportunities to Love<span style="font-family: arial;">Riding on the train, the man across the aisle leaned over and asked, "why are you so happy?" Why was i so happy? How could i explain it to this man in my halting french. I told him it was love. "Oh you must be in love with someone?" "No, not love of somebody or something, just love." He gave me a puzzled look and then had an Aha moment. He said,<br /><br />"Are you careful with your heart? Do you keep it protected?"<br /><br />"No, not at all" i replied.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I explained as carefully as i could love was not something to be protected or hoarded or hidden away. Love was something to be shared and given away. My teacher, don Miguel Ruiz, told me many years ago that what makes us feel so good feeling the love pour out of us. Only our simple minds put conditions and restrictions on love. Love knows no boundaries. And a few days later i awoke to this in an email from Miguel:<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(79, 69, 51); font-family: Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif; font-size: 12pt;font-family:Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;font-size:100%;color:#4f4533;" > Be generous with your love. You are never going to be alone if you are<br /> generous with your love. What makes you happy is love coming out of you, <br /> and if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">The fear to love only comes from the mind that tells us its not safe or we are going to get hurt. But did you ever ask who hurts you...really? Not him or her or them. The "person" that hurts us is the little voice in our head that says we did something wrong, we shouldn't have loved. It puts conditions on love and what is supposed to look like, i.e. what you are supposed to get from loving, the bargaining aspect of love if you will. But if you listen closely to that voice what it is really saying you might hear something like this,<br /><br /> "thank god you loved, because now i can tell you that it didn't turn out right and furthermore i can make you miserable and in your misery you will listen to me even more carefully to avoid the pain that i will promise that you will avoid if you listen to me but i really won't deliver on because whenever you do something from love, which is your nature, so you are guaranteed to slip up from time to time and love, i will punish you for not listening to me and doing what is in your nature and that punishment will cause you to listen to me even more carefully so that you won't get hurt and the result is i'm very happy and you're not." Aie, aie , aie.<br /><br />One of the reasons i like being here in Paris is because i allow myself to love as much as i possibly can. Life has been incredibly generous with me and i show my appreciation by loving without expectation. It seems ironic to me that the more you love without wanting or expecting anything in return the more love you receive. And my loving is not limited to people. I say i love you to the trees, to the snow, to my very sharp knife and even to the omnipresent doggie caca on the sidewalks---and i promise you there are no shortage of opportunities to love.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-28434819162935589452010-11-29T08:44:00.000-08:002010-11-29T09:15:08.255-08:00Death by a Thousand Little Sufferings<span style="font-family: arial;">How many times a day do you say no to yourself? It can be an almost automatic reply to petits desires. You have to go to the bathroom but you make yourself wait. You are thirsty but you don't get a glass of water. You are tired but you won't let yourself take a cat nap. It can be very subtle. Beware of death by a thousand little sufferings.<br /><br />This past weekend i took a two hour train ride to Le Harve, a ville northwest of Paris on the Normandy coast. There was an exhibit that was highly recommended and after several signs, I said what the heck and was off on a two hour train ride to Musee Malraux. The museum is a very modern building and specializes in the works of Eugene Boudin (whom i fell in love with) and has a nice representation of impressionist paintings. <br /><br />On my way back, i went to the train station early as there were no assigned seats and i wanted a window seat and perhaps one with a little extra leg room. I walked towards the front of the train (and those trains are long) found a nearly empty car and plopped down in the perfect seat and waited for the train to depart. Literally minutes before the train took off, two different families with a total of three children all under the age of 4 entered the car (plus some other random 5 year old something snuck on with a single parent while i wasn't looking) and viola before you know it i was in the midst of the preschool mania. Now i don't have anything against children especially as i have three of my own but i wasn't prepared for two hours of running in the aisles, asking for food, fighting with siblings which is what was previewed in the next ten minutes.<br /><br />The train started. I sat there. I really wanted to move, but "i had the perfect seat," "you might offend somebody if you move," "it's not that bad," "suck it up." Those are the voices i heard in my head. "Suffering a little isn't so bad." What? As soon as i realized what was going on, you guessed. I gathered my bag and coat and moved. It wasn't hard. The same perfect seat was available in the next car and i ended up in an engaging conversation with a French policeman nearly the whole ride. <br /><br />Beware of the tiny sufferings you permit each day. Pain may be necessary from time to time but suffering isn't. Not one bit.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-16230488973922022092010-11-15T06:10:00.000-08:002010-11-15T07:09:06.557-08:00It All Just Is<span style="font-family: arial;">The clouds parted, a spot of blue sky appeared, I looked up and said yet again, "thank you" to that unnamed force surrounding me. As the words hung in my mind i began to chew on them while walking through the cemetery. "What was "thank you"? What did it mean? Could i express it differently from just saying the words?" While saying the words has a certain power in and of itself, wasn't there something more to gratitude? Then it dawned on me gratitude isn't a noun it's actually a verb. Gratitude is action.<br /><br />How could i express gratitude? The first thing i thought was "love your life." But again what exactly does that mean? I keep coming back to this word "acceptance." Accept what is present. Can you accept everything that passes through your life and give it a place in its temporary home? For truly the human experience itself is temporary. Happiness, sadness, jealousy, envy, joy, delight, anxiety, fear, openness, pain, glory. Each of these emotions moves through us...if we allow them. Surely they will get stuck if we offer resistance, tell them to go away or cover them up with "doings". In that place of acceptance, life flows. It is not like everything is blissful all the time. It is better than that. You get to experience everything, ALL</span><span id="result_box" class="short_text" lang="fr"><span style="background-color: rgb(230, 236, 249); color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" title=""></span></span><span style="font-family: arial;">. What a smorgasbord!<br /><br />Last night I had an interesting conversation with a chanteuse from Lebanon. She kept telling me how difficult life was as an artist committed to singing. She carefully made her case that being a musician was much easier but to sing was nearly impossible. She lamented that she couldn't support herself though her live-in boyfriend, the lawyer, was okay with it. She then told me she would be willing to do other work but it had to be meaningful. As i listened to her stories of, well, let's get right down to it, victimhood, I gently tried to point out the flaws in her thinking. Of course she agreed with everything i said, answering "yeah" and then followed it with an excuse "but." Almost immediately another woman came up to her and asked her if she could take singing lessons from her. They exchanged information. Beaming as i watched Life answer Life, I said "see." And wouldn't you know it she responded with "yeah, but..." She was completely committed to her story of suffering and there wasn't a thing i was going to do to change that. I continued to listen for a few more minutes. I offered no resistance to her reruns of suffering, then dinner was served and we were seated apart. At the end of the evening she came up to me and said she didn't know why she had told me such intimate details about her life but she really just felt much better. I smiled to myself and thought this is acceptance in action.<br /><br />It's sweetly ironic</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-style: italic;">: Acceptance of what is, Transforms what is. </span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: arial;">Expressing gratitude is making Life your partner, not your enemy. Accepting what is, transforms what is. There is no stagnation. When life is transforming, it is moving, creating. There is a natural flow and rhythm of which you are a part and when you dive into that flow, you understand that you aren't separate from others, from emotions, from experiences. It all just is.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-15694617649979339252010-11-06T12:50:00.000-07:002010-11-06T13:15:41.689-07:00Your Right--A Life Fully Appreciated<span style="font-family:arial;">Several years ago i had a major dream. I was at my law school reunion with my closest law school buddies and their partners (mostly wives). Everyone had achieved a certain level of success that comes with practicing one's craft for twenty years; partnerships, district attorneys, federal public defenders. I was the only one who wasn't practicing law. We all took turns explaining our professional lives. And because it was my dream i got to go last. When it was my turn i was extremely embarrassed because i had given up law to raise a family, </span><span style="font-family:arial;">lived in Barcelona with my children for six months</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> and chased a small brown man (my teacher, don Miguel Ruiz) around Central America and still had no idea of who i was or what i was supposed to do. In my little mind i was a mess but much to my surprise, everyone thought i had the most wonderful life. After my mini-presentation everyone wanted to know how i had "escaped" the law and created such a fantastic life. It was so contrary. In my dream i had this awareness that i had a wonderful life but i also had the awareness that i was missing sooooo much because i wasn't <span style="font-style: italic;">actually</span> appreciating my life.<br /><br />My how times have changed. I'm sitting in my apartment in Paris on a Saturday night, alone and ecstatically happy. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was because i spent 4 hours drawing a most beautiful human or maybe it was because i went out with my french friends for coffee after wards, or maybe it was because i cooked the most wonderful dinner for myself followed by a most wonderful dessert bought from the no. 3 bakery in Paris (according the sign posted outside) or maybe it is because the rain is tickling the roof in my apartment and i am a little giddy from that. What matters is that there has been a profound transformation from needing a reason to appreciate my life to not needing anything except what is present to one hundred percent, down-on -my-knees, ecstatically enjoy, appreciate, love my life.<br /><br />I wish for each person who reads this message to know that a life completely happy for no external reason is not only completely possible, but it is your right.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-30841170633483124352010-11-04T08:18:00.000-07:002010-11-04T09:16:15.963-07:00No Excuse Happiness<span style="font-family: arial;">"There's not much to say about being." Eckhart Tolle. This morning i was greeted with this quote. He went on to explain that being just simply is. As i was in the shower (where i do some of my most profound thinking) the idea of just being kept circulating and it's true there isn't a lot to say about <span style="font-style: italic;">what it is</span> but there is a whole lot to say about <span style="font-style: italic;">what it isn't</span>.<br /><br />Have you ever had that feeling of supreme, no reason, shit-eating grin happiness? All of a sudden you find yourself in this inexplicable state of joy. The moment before you have the thought "i am happy" is when you are being. Once you start thinking (no matter if it is a "good" or "bad" thought) you are no longer being. Being is that place of silence where everything exists. In my last blog i wrote about the silence under the noise. When i was no longer hooked on translating words or trying to understand another world opened up to me. I called it silence but Mr Tolle might call it being (though i think he may use the term silence as well.)<br /><br />Being is that place where time stands still, where noises stop, where expansion exists. Most everyone has experienced this at one time or another maybe watching a sunset, playing a football game or while painting (moi.) The question is not so much what is being but for most the question is "how do i quit thinking and just start being?" There are a million answers from "sit in meditation under a tree until you reach enlightenment" to "undergo deep pyscho-analysis," to "drink a bottle of Jim Beam." But the simplest answer i know is pure acceptance of what is. No resistance to Life. Not even if Life (i.e. you) is thinking in this very moment. Acceptance of what is gets you to the present, to being, faster than any methodology, spiritual path or drugs. That being said acceptance is mighty hard for most people. Why? Because we have these puny little minds telling us what we should be doing, how we should be living our lives and every reason right now is wrong. It isn't. Life is NEVER wrong. It may take you (your puny mind) a while (or even your entire life) to figure out. But just reflect. How many times have you thought something was terrible (a job loss, a drunk drive ticket, the death of a loved one, a broken arm) only to look back on the event sometime later and say, "Wow if I hadn't broken my arm, i never would have quit my job and gone back to school." What you thought was so terrible really wasn't. And this doesn't mean there aren't terrible things out there, the death of a friend or family member, an illness; these are challenging things but the one thing Life always does--it continues to create. As long as we breathe, we can create. We can participate in Life.<br /><br />And that gets me back to the being which is really about acceptance. There isn't a "right" way to live your life, yet most people keep thinking that if they do this or that, or when this or that happens then they will be happy. Maybe temporarily but deep profound happiness, no excuse happiness, no thought happiness comes from being. Try asking someone to describe his ideal life and watch just how many people describe his own life and if you are really brave try asking yourself. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-79478531569929789562010-10-26T06:33:00.000-07:002010-10-26T07:11:07.491-07:00The Silence behind the Noise<span style="font-family: arial;">I found myself in an apartment full of French people getting ready for dinner. I had been graciously invited to join the dinner party by the host who was a friend of a friend. I entered the apartment dressed in my fanciest dress, wearing cute shoes (that i had put on just moments before going into the building having walked miles in my pumas to get there.) The wine was free flowing, appetizers served and i struck up an conversation with an actor which proved to be a good choice. His elocution was superb. He spoke slowly and paused for theatrical effect (which allowed me to catch up with the conversation...merci mon Dieu) and i felt like a rock star as i followed the conversation, made appropriate comments, asked questions and generally had a complete conversation. And then we sat down to dinner. <br /><br />The hosts had conceived the guest list with careful precision: a commedienne (tres connu--famous) along with the actor, two high-end interior architects, a musician who wrote scores for films, his wife the judge (and also the host) and a Polish woman who just enjoyed life or so i was told. With this cast of characters, the dinner conversation was lively, convivial and changing faster than the cars navigating the Etoile (the famous round-about known to test the most harden driver's nerves). I could barely follow a thing and by the time the main course arrived and two glasses of wine had been drunk. Well let's just say the French just turned into gobble-di-gook.<br /><br />I looked around the table and became acutely aware of how each person was interacting with each other and the group. I began to notice a non-verbal conversation that was nearly as loud as the oral one. The joy and pleasure i received in becoming aware of this non-verbal communication was immense. The next day i began to reflect on that evening.<br /><br />When we understand a language, our attention gets hooked by certain words and often by habit we have automatic responses. Furthermore we often have a need to voice our opinions or prove ourselves right. But when you take away the words, the automatic hooks, you are left with a pure communication, a heart to heart connection so to speak. I believe that one of the main reasons we "talk" is so that we can connect with others. It is so interesting to see this connection without words, that is to connect in the silence behind the words. That silence is ever present and sometimes words rather than facilitating the connection in silence distract us from fully feeling the deep connection between us all. But once you are aware of that silence it is difficult not to go there because it just feels really, really good. Connecting in silence with others and ultimately with ourselves is a delicious treat. Really, the best dessert.<br /><br /><br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-38004793582066933472010-10-21T07:11:00.000-07:002010-10-21T07:55:22.595-07:00Walking through Death<span style="font-family: arial;">I deliberately walk through the cemetery every morning on my way to the studio, carrying my art supplies and giant portfolio. No one is usually there except for the occasional maintenance person. The Montparnasse cemetery is big at least according to my standards. There are paved streets and dirt paths throughout, with tons (literally) of marble funerary markers from classic temples to modern sculptures. Founded in the 17th century when some lord was forced to relinquish his lands, expanded in the 19th century and still with the occasional available plot, the cemetery occupies a big chunk of valuable Paris real estate.<br /><br />The trees that line the streets are big, but there is space between the streets so there are expansive skyline vistas in all directions. It is calm and quiet. Why wouldn't you walk through here on your way to anywhere near? Maybe people don't generally like walking through places where lots of dead people are deposited. For me it is a great reminder of the circle of life. Dates on headstones indicate children as young as 7 and adults as old as 102 are buried here. Lots of people die. In fact we all gonna die. For some reason this comforting to me. I will eventually join the legions of people that have died just as i joined the legions of people that were born. The little me isn't quite so important. Life continues on and on.<br /><br />And if i'm not so important, then i am free to live big without expectations of who i am supposed to be, or what important task i am supposed to accomplish or even figure out who i am. And what emerges unhindered is this beautiful unique expression of life, in my case, called Kelsey. I adore watching her tramp through life, getting scared, taking chances, experiencing the ecstasy available in everyday activities. I am afforded daily joy and adventure as i never know the twists and turns that Life has mapped out for this particular life form on this particular day. My job is to say yes to Life. Yes to Life on <span style="font-style: italic;">its </span>terms, not mine. So i have formed a covenant with Life. Life is the leader and the little me is the follower. No matter what i am experiencing i know that Life is my partner. Even if is is scary, I say yes. Even if it seems bizarre or irrational i say yes. And the result has been a life beyond my imagination. (Well duh...my imagination, ie the little me, is pretty puny in comparison the imagination of the force that created Life. A much better navigator!)<br /><br />So i leave the cemetery, having reconfirmed my commitment to say yes and head into the studio where while creating i say yes to the scary strokes, yes to the bizarre ideas (crumple charcoal on paper and draw with your foot while looking at the model...it didn't work so well) yes to the irrational and at the end of every day i come away having spent hours in communion and sometimes i get the additional bonus of a product that rocks.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-43163537217706877422010-10-12T05:00:00.000-07:002010-10-12T05:39:39.800-07:00Making Change<span style="font-family:arial;">You never know where you are going to find childlike freedom. I walked into the homeopathic pharmacy looking for some herbs and walked out with elation. Europeans take their homeopathic, i.e. natural, remedies quite seriously. The salespeople are dressed in white coats, stand behind tall counters and wear formidable expressions. I waited in line and approached the counter with my pre-practiced spiel. It mostly worked because the woman came back with exactly what i needed. She told me the price, "huit, quatre-vingt euros." (8,80 euros).<br /><br />Lately I have been accumulating quite a bit of change because buying things goes something like this: somebody tells me the price of something, i usually understand the first number or two, i quickly round up, grab a bill that will cover the cost, accept the change and throw it into the bottomless depths of my purse. And everyday i make a dozen purchases, a coffee, a baguette, veges at the market, oops more veges across the street, metro tickets, drawing supplies. Well you get the idea. I accumulate a whole lotta change.<br /><br />My purse isn't so bottomless and change gets heavy, so here was my opportunity to go to the next level in paying for things and make the exact change. I tossed down a 10 euro note and then began carefully counting out the change in 1,2 and 5 centime increments. The saleswoman looked incredulously at me. Quel horreur! I don't think she believed that i was going to count out all of that change. In no time at all, I got to 24, exclaimed "Viola", beamed a proud mother-of-the accomplished-student smile and gave the exact change to her. "Mais Madam, j'ai dit quatre-vingt centimes." You see in French the word for 80 is 4-20s and instead of 4-20s i heard 24. Now it was my turn to think "quel horreur!" No more dinking around, i grabbed a 50, 5 and 1 centime piece, completed my trifecta and handed her the correct change this time. I smiled appreciatively at the clerk. She beamed back the kind of smile that is reserved for special needs children. I laughed and tossed my purchase in my bag.<br /><br />Oh, to be a child again. It is so much fun to try things, make mistakes and learn something. I think this is one of the great joys of being a child and i think this is one of the great joys of being in Paris. There are plenty of mistakes to be made.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-77172658394536900222010-10-10T10:22:00.000-07:002010-10-10T11:37:17.252-07:00Re-committing to Natural Rhythm<span style="font-family: arial;">First of all, I lied. The next blog, i.e. this blog, is not about how the Unmanifest experiences itself through the manifest forms, i.e. humans (we are so self-centered that if honest most people will admit they are concerned primarily with themselves first and all others second AND this is okay) but rather today's blog is picking up where i left off when i was in Paris because now i am back in Paris again. <br /><br />After being en route for nine days the traveling endorphins finally wore off. I slept until 9AM and spent the next six hours, eating, internetting, studying French, napping, eating, napping again. Oh joy!<br /><br />The first six days were spent in London trying to settle Mari into her new home as she is attending Central School of Speech and Drama to study theater. After finding her house, meeting her housemates and noting everything she didn't have (Mom, i thought i should buy a toothbrush here...Really?) we carefully made our plan of shopping attack only to be foiled by a transportation strike the next day. Instead we quickly regrouped and decided to "go green and buy local" (i.e. any shop within walking distance to the hotel) and carried back armloads of blankets, towels, lamps, a closet and yes even a toothbrush. After three days at the hotel, we called a taxi; the hotel plied us with gratuitous good bye champagne and we enlisted no fewer than 4 hotel employees to carefully pack the moving van, oops, i mean taxi. Luckily the driver spoke English, no small feat in London these days, and we seemed to amuse him (thank you champagne.) He deposited us at Mari's new home, a grand old house (with emphasis on old not grand). Mari promptly departed for the obligatory pub crawl and i stayed home to put together her closet and see if i could possibly create a nest for her in the 7 x 9 monk's cell of a bedroom. The next day we spent 7 hours walking, undergrounding, walking and bussing it to IKEA, shopping, arranging for home delivery and in reverse, busing, walking undergrounding and walking home. Still the endorphins were pumping. Dinner with all of her roommates, the visiting parental unit (me) obligatorily picking up the tab for all and then going home to pack for the impending journey the next day. IKEA arrived as we were walking out the door for the underground. Mari was left with cartons of furniture to put together with all of those knuckle busting Allen wrenches and millions of tiny small screws, bolts and washers to sort. She won't have internet for another week so i cross my fingers that she is okay, that she painted her room and that she found a place for her toothbrush. I boarded the Eurostar (the direct London-Paris chunnel train) knowing i could have done a lot more to help settle her and at the same time knowing i did all i could. <br /><br />"Knowing you could do more and at the same time knowing you did all you can" is something that most of us experience. And in that phrase there is almost a requirement that you side with either "could-do-more" or "did-all-I-could." When you side with "could-do-more" often you experience feelings of guilt, inadequacy, shame and the like. On the other hand, when you side with "did-all-i could" there is a sense of acceptance, of completion. My Spring journey to Paris was about discovering "me". Who was i without all of the labels, mother, business owner, friend, girlfriend, yogini? And secondly how could i treat this human form in the very best manner?<br /><br />Treating the human form well means loving, respecting and honoring it. Listening to the human, feeding it when it is hungry, resting it when it is tired and engaging it when it wants to connect, create or express. Most people never even think about the human form. The mind is so busy with its virtual reality, its myriad of story lines that it never stops to consider the vessel in which it lives. The human form dutifully performs all that is asked, working when physically exhausted, operating on too much/not enough food and processing all those neurological chemicals released by the brain when nasty thoughts or even pleasant thoughts are present. It is our most loyal subject and yet we rarely treat it with the respect, care and love that it deserves. <br /><br />Life changes when you change your relationship with your human form. There is a natural rhythm to life when you follow the body. There is an ease about living. Everything seems in its place. Basically you have removed resistance to Life from your life. There are so many distractions in modern living to pull us from the natural rhythm of Life: family, friends, work, hobbies. I think this is why i am back in Paris---to re-commit to my natural rhythms. Oh and nap again.<br /><br /><br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-14244956990233231402010-08-25T14:39:00.000-07:002010-08-25T15:33:25.044-07:00Tour Guide for God<span style="font-family:arial;">Several people have asked about the title of this blog and what it means. Tour guide for God (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">TGFG</span>) is a concept, a point of view borne out of years of experience, observation and self-inquiry. Is it right? Is it the Truth? Is it religion? No, no and no. In the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Anosognostic</span> blog I mentioned how we create our own experience of our world through our beliefs and most people have some pretty nasty beliefs calling the shots when it comes to experiencing their lives. We've all experienced those days when everyone seems out to get us, a driver cuts us off in traffic, the waitress spills coffee on us, the bank teller closes her window as we walk up to it. Any time you are feeling the "victim" you can be sure that nasty beliefs are operating.<br /><br />One of the biggest beliefs that seems to dominate many people's thinking is that they somehow have to live their lives "right". They search frantically for the right job or they get completely depressed in the job they are doing and find a way to numb out. They look for the right person to complete them. They look for the right way to give back. We are told thousands of times each day what is right and what is wrong via advertising, unsolicited advice from co-workers, bosses, friends, family members, even strangers. We all know the myriad of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">shoulds</span> that pepper our lives. (And if you don't this is a good time for a little self-inquiry. Just notice how many things you do in one hour that includes a should; wake-up, get dressed, brush teeth, eat, sleep, etc. And if your brave try it for an entire day.) And somehow the unwritten agreement is that if i do all the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">shoulds</span> then i will be rewarded with...happiness, wealth, health, love, etc. But i have come to the conclusion that this thinking is all backwards and it is based on a faulty premise that somehow our job is to figure out who to be rather than be who we are. So where does this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">TGFG</span> come in?<br /><br />From my point of view, the world is made of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Unmanifest</span> (Life, God, Universal force, Allah, the omnipotent, etc) and the manifest (humans, trees, animals and every thing that populates our world. I am using God in the sense of ALL not in the sense of the big man with the white beard who sits on a mountain and throws thunderbolts at the dunderheads on earth. And God in its <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">unmanifest</span> form consists of ALL, everything, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">tous</span>. Well the bad news is that </span><span style="font-family:arial;">in this form</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> he can't experience anything because he is everything. So in his all knowing wisdom he separates himself into millions of life forms because in this separateness he is able to experience himself. (He also maintains the ALL status because that is one of the things you can do when you are calling the shots. So he has to "forget" that he is All when he is in his manifest forms.) Y viola, ipso facto, we humans are one of the life forms and most of us have done a pretty good job forgetting who we really are but that is okay because it plays right into the TGFG concept. Humans are particularly nifty life forms because they are in reality giant, supersensitive, feeling machines. The myriad of physical and emotional sensations is enough to keep God creating over and over, day after day for all eternity.<br /><br />Now imagine that God needs you to experience himself. Without you he is one big all-knowing, all-experiencing, undifferentiated blob but with you he has the possibility to feel and therefore to know himself. This is how God gets his jollies. Imagine that your only job is to feel. The next blog will show you how this works.<br /><br /><br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-87730229118083306712010-06-28T06:52:00.000-07:002010-08-25T14:39:47.437-07:00Anosognosic<span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;">I learned a new word this week: agnosognosic. Basically it means someone who doesn't know what he doesn't know. Initially this word was used to describe people who had lost an arm or a leg and didn't know it was gone or someone who was paralyzed but didn't know they were paralyzed. It is quite an interesting idea to think that we don't know what we don't know. The people with paralyzed or phantom limbs completely created their world to reflect what they knew, i.e. they had functioning limbs. If for example you put a pen next to someone's paralyzed arm and asked them to pick it up they would say that they didn't want to or didn't feel like it, some might even use the non-paralyzed limb to pick up the paralyzed limb picking up the pen. Do you follow? The conclusion was basically we create our own world and during my stay i have had many opportunities to witness this.<br /><br />Last week i went to the Palais Tokoyo, contemporary art museum in the 8th arrondissement. I was with a friend and as i approached the ticket counter the woman asked me which tariff i would like to pay. Searching quickly, I ruled out senior, child, group. I replied the full tariff. She asked, "are you sure?" I looked puzzled and then she asked if i was an artist. My friend immediately responded "Yes, she is." She asked for proof but i had nothing except fingernails full of charcoal. I showed her my hands--not good enough--(not surprising). Finally she said, "I will give you the professor's discount and a ticket good for six months. I was way ecstatic. As we went to enter the museum my friend said to me, "Wow, she really gave you a hard time didn't she?" I had no idea what he was talking about. Here this French sales attendant just went out of her way to give me a discount <span style="font-style: italic;">after</span> i had said i was happy to pay the full fare. My experience was that this French woman (notoriously known for coolness) was incredibly kind and generous to an obvious stranger. My heart was somersaulting thank yous. And yet my friend had a completely different experience, apparently one based on rudeness and meanness. Who was right? Who cares? Personally I like my experience better so I'm sticking to it.<br /><br />So if we really are creating our world, that's really good news because it means that we are responsible. If something is happening that we don't like, we can change it (and by change "it" I mean what is in our control i.e. the "like" aspect not necessarily the "event" aspect.)<br /></span></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-1431716002051663072010-06-14T08:20:00.000-07:002010-06-14T09:09:56.586-07:00Calling Me To Wholeness<span style="font-family: arial;">The finding, the following of the flow of Life has been a big theme for me on this journey in Paris. But what happens when the flow of Life spins, twists and throws you under water? I just found out. Before I wrote about taking the wrong train and getting locked out of my apartment and the ease of finding equanimity in those situations. Once again i found myself challenged. (Perhaps i did such a good job with those things that the gods decided I was ready for the next level. Ha!)<br /><br />The details are not so important but suffice to say that "love interests" were not going the way my little mind thought they should. Letting go of the final vestiges of a relationship is much like that loose tooth that won't fall out. It is tender. Sometimes you stick it back in the socket and hope it stays there, other times it just dangles annoyingly. I stuck it back in the socket. It didn't fit. It just hurt more.<br /><br />So here i was in pain. Where was the flow? What was i resisting? All of a sudden i could see my identification with the pain and not the flow. The flow was taking me under water and i was resisting, "No I'm not supposed to be here (i.e. I don't want to feel this). I want to be somewhere else (i.e. I want to feel something different)." Obviously i was losing the battle. Somehow through grace i was able to see that in this moment the flow was turbulent, under water and over rocks. Even though "i" didn't want this, it is what was present. Could i allow myself to be pulled under (ie feel the death, the rejection and whatever else my mind was naming)? Well it was obvious to me that i could continue resisting (it was so tempting) but that resistance only called up more pain. So deep inhalation, expand and surrender. Over and over i had to practice until I found the current or at least was out of the eddy. <br /><br />I guess what i am trying to say is that the flow doesn't necessarily go smoothly all the time or maybe it does and I am still letting go of little bits of ego especially around those deeply held beliefs about love and what it looks like. Whatever this has been another opportunity to love myself even in the midst of falling into pain. And loving yourself no matter what seems to be the key. Pain really isn't so bad when you don't resist. It moves through the body pretty quickly. Even though i don't see where the flow is taking me (no invitations to exotic places so far) i know that even this is necessary, it is part of the plan calling me to wholeness.<br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7289703514617405475.post-42275797827225152522010-06-08T06:54:00.000-07:002010-06-08T07:29:26.984-07:00Wined, Dined and Sunshined<span style="font-family: arial;">I just returned from a marvelous weekend in Arcachon on the sea near Bordeaux. It was filled with good food, good conversation, good wine (bien sur) swims in the sea, picnics at sunset, a climb to the top of the largest dune in France, apertifs on a boat in the middle of the bay, promenades along the beach and through the ville, a short trip to the market y viola 48 hours away from Paris.<br /><br />I was incredibly cared for by near strangers-patience with my budding french, interest in my opinions, delight in my delight. I felt like a precious flower that was delicately wined, dined and sunshined. When i returned to Paris i was totally high but what really had my juices flowing was how this weekend came about.<br /><br />Last weekend i locked myself out of my apartment and as my landlord called it a "misadventure" ensued. (See the previous blog for details.) I called my landlord for a key but she was unable to help as she was in Arcachon 700 kilometers away. A few days later she invited me to their home by the sea (because of guilt, feeling sorry for me, who knows?) And i accepted.<br /><br />As i reflect back on the lockout weekend and the pleasure-in weekend what i notice (again) is that the little mind has absolutely no idea of where Life is flowing. It desperately tries to control the moment by tantalizing us with stories of the past or the future, but truly it is paddling aimlessly while Life whisks us downstream. How many times has something "bad" turned into something great? Or something "good" turned into something okay or worse? The good/bad of the mind is completely irrelevant to Life. By notching up our attention to what Life is providing not the judgment of what is has or has not provided, untold adventures and riches are being offered to us in every moment. This is the only way i can explain the beauty of my life.<br /><br />There is a magical rhythm of Life gently calling to each of us. While we are free to ignore that rhythm and put our attention all that we don't have (money, friends, family, hot croissants) and diet on the emotions of scarcity, lack, not deserving, anger, Life is ALWAYS offering us another choice. No matter what is happening on the outside world there is an unlimited inner world waiting for our exploration. And in a mixed up sort of way the inner world manifests the outer world. I sit in my French class and listen to my fellow students and sometimes think there must be two different Paris' out there. I am not sure how else to explain the joys and wonders i experience verses the dire experiences of others. (This is no to say that all is happy or beautiful all the time only that i realize the outside circumstances have very little to do with my inside sunshine.)<br /><br />So I am grateful to have yet another experience not judging Life and trusting it to deliver the adventure of a lifetime called Kelsey.<br /><br /></span>kelseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11449861658434269581noreply@blogger.com1