Deliciously at Peace

Sitting in a neighborhood park far from my home, i watched the children playing the usual games, parents and nannies keeping an eye on them, a group of old men playing petanque and a rousing ping pong match. The sun was out. The temperature perfect. A breeze whispered. I had walked about 3 miles before i came upon this picture perfect park, and sitting down felt unusually good. My limbs became heavier and heavier. My seat sunk into the wooden bench. My back relaxed against the wooden slats. I could hardly move. It felt sooo good. I kept sinking deeper and deeper, simultaneously, into heaviness and lightness. And I began to reflect on why i felt so deliciously at peace.

Many times in the past, traveling solo was a way of getting out of my comfort zone, confronting my personal demons of "I am not ..... (you can fill in a host of answers most of which will probably be dead on)". I would feel uncomfortable, lonely, out of place, not belonging. When i was out of my normal routine, my usual habits where no longer there to keep me distracted from that sense of unease (or worse) that comes when a false belief is operating. So obviously the false belief would surface and y viola i would feel like shit.

None of those things are happening now. Sure i can barely speak a word of French or rather i can speak enough to totally slaughter the language. (You should've seen me trying to buy a drawing board and tape at an art supply store. After explaining to the salesgirl that i wanted tape, not scotch tape, this is what i think i said "there is a sort of tape that painters of houses for example use when they are painting the wall and want to protect the wood next to the window." It probably came out more like "there is a sort of tape that pains the houses to use the wood next to the window." After a couple of tries the patient salesgirl said very politely, "Please could you try in English." I did. Found the tape. And left the store muttering to myself the phrase trying to correct the pronunciation and grammar.) I understand almost nothing here and yet i am totally happy.

One of the burdens that i had carried around for years was a deep belief that someone else out there "got IT" and i mean the big IT--an all encompassing everything-i-didn't-know-but-needed-to-in-order-to-be-safe-and-at-peace including what-i-didn't-know-i-needed-to-know. If only i could find that person then i could get "IT" from him (yes there was a predisposition that it was a he who had IT.) So for many years i have been looking for the him who has the IT. Suddenly the spell was broken this winter. (In reality probably not all that suddenly after years of sitting on my can, dreaming, meditating, self-reflecting and thousands of dollars (gratefully spent) to my teachers.) Part of my reason coming to Paris was to put myself in the same kind of situation that i have been in before and see if there was a new reaction or was there the same old fear. So far no old fear. I look around and see beautiful people, people i can talk with, interact with, connect with but i haven't yet seen one person who has something that i don't have. There hasn't been one time when i have wished that i was that person with .....

No, i have been quite happy being myself, just little ole me who loves sliding her feet into her furry slippers, drinking coffee with creme legere in my bed, watching with amusement what motivates the human in this moment (food--big motivator, rest, the outdoors, drawing, writing, hot baths). No judgment. Mostly it is pretty simple and pretty delightful.