Calling Me To Wholeness

The finding, the following of the flow of Life has been a big theme for me on this journey in Paris. But what happens when the flow of Life spins, twists and throws you under water? I just found out. Before I wrote about taking the wrong train and getting locked out of my apartment and the ease of finding equanimity in those situations. Once again i found myself challenged. (Perhaps i did such a good job with those things that the gods decided I was ready for the next level. Ha!)

The details are not so important but suffice to say that "love interests" were not going the way my little mind thought they should. Letting go of the final vestiges of a relationship is much like that loose tooth that won't fall out. It is tender. Sometimes you stick it back in the socket and hope it stays there, other times it just dangles annoyingly. I stuck it back in the socket. It didn't fit. It just hurt more.

So here i was in pain. Where was the flow? What was i resisting? All of a sudden i could see my identification with the pain and not the flow. The flow was taking me under water and i was resisting, "No I'm not supposed to be here (i.e. I don't want to feel this). I want to be somewhere else (i.e. I want to feel something different)." Obviously i was losing the battle. Somehow through grace i was able to see that in this moment the flow was turbulent, under water and over rocks. Even though "i" didn't want this, it is what was present. Could i allow myself to be pulled under (ie feel the death, the rejection and whatever else my mind was naming)? Well it was obvious to me that i could continue resisting (it was so tempting) but that resistance only called up more pain. So deep inhalation, expand and surrender. Over and over i had to practice until I found the current or at least was out of the eddy.

I guess what i am trying to say is that the flow doesn't necessarily go smoothly all the time or maybe it does and I am still letting go of little bits of ego especially around those deeply held beliefs about love and what it looks like. Whatever this has been another opportunity to love myself even in the midst of falling into pain. And loving yourself no matter what seems to be the key. Pain really isn't so bad when you don't resist. It moves through the body pretty quickly. Even though i don't see where the flow is taking me (no invitations to exotic places so far) i know that even this is necessary, it is part of the plan calling me to wholeness.